In sharing life with a butch woman, you may learn that the conveniences afforded to you have changed. When your partner communicates to you that a certain situation is potentially dangerous, heed her words. And I now have to live with some of the damage I caused by questioning what she knows to be true through her lived experience. Trust that your butch lady is keen to what is safe and what is not.
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There are other versions of this type of behavior, each having its own specific type of offender and victim. Google Matt Damon and whitesplaining if you need an update. Yes, we femmes are gay women and are not immune to prejudice due to our sexuality. But, our experiences as lesbians can, in many ways, be quite different—and sometimes easier. When your butch girlfriend or wife trusts you enough to share some of her struggles being a masculine woman, believe her. Have you ever felt completely unheard and misunderstood when sharing this with a man?
Has a man ever tried to diminish that experience or talk you out of what you know to be true? How did that feel?
butch-femme dynamics – MainelyButch: Private Label
Remember that when your beautiful butch lady opens up. When she shares her struggle, listen and handle with care.
Before we can share them with the people we love, we first have to take time to process for ourselves. Keep this in mind when your butch partner begins to open up to you about her experiences as a masculine identified woman. Know that this type of communication may leave her feeling a bit vulnerable. Just listen to her and speak with love. In general, when we build a romantic relationship with someone, we want nothing more than to have empathy for their hardship.
We know that, if we can walk through that pain, we can love our partners on a deeper level. And, although facing their pain in such a real way may hurt, it will only serve to further solidify the bond that we share. Our beings have 2 maps, one is the physical map of our bodies that says what gender we are, and the other is a mental map that tells us what gender we are. For cis-gendered people the two maps line up and they instinctively know they are male or female. While my maps pretty much match, I lean way over toward the more masculine end of the binary scale.
Now that I have had my chest surgery my maps line up far more closely than before. If I identified as male mentally that would not be the case, as I would still have body dysphoria — something that I no longer have now. I have no wish to be male in body, or in mind. She told me she was just too busy and too stressed out. I could have been very good for her, and we could have been good together. But, hey, it takes two to tango.
And honestly, it takes a good B-F dance partner to handle me. Tired or not you better find time in there somewhere to be texting me and letting me know that I still matter. More of a sort of casual dating thing, with a little sex involved. We actually only spent 3 times face to face together, and the rest of the time I tried to keep up via Skype, emails and texting. But it was ME doing most of the work to keep the lines of communication open even a little bit, so I felt like in the end I was chasing a ghost for no reason.
I was trying to get to know her better, and she was avoiding allowing me to do that. In the end, I told her I would not chase after her anymore and if she wanted me in her life in anyway that she would have to contact me, which I truly meant. I felt like I was a total pain in her ass with my texts. And dammit I was nice.
Tag: butch-femme dynamics
I tried to leave her to her work and tried to stay low when I knew she was working or busy, but my patience was all for nothing in the end. She just stopped texting me, poof. I just wanted to get to know her much better, and see where it went from there…not such a big deal really. She just decided not to let me in, sad, but her loss in the end I believe. Both me and the other blogger had similar experiences where things would become difficult in a relationship and we would run away from it instead of dealing with things maturely and head on.
I guess we all live and learn in life, and as I get older the lessons become more clear and easier to understand. Now, one of the things that I have learned as of late…. So this will be the end of that type of stuff. I used to be really good about this, but I started to write a little about my dating life recently, and I see now that it is just something I need to keep in my private blog and not in this pubic forum.
Look at Portia and Ellen
Depression, anxiety, internal strife…the perpetual circle that it has become for me. Chronic, debilitating pain I believe is my main stressor that leads me to being depressed. I am here today attempting to do a few things: I also want to get some of my thoughts out here so I can perhaps see them and have some kind of epiphany about what to DO about them and this fucked up period that I am stuck in at the moment.
Some days I try to chalk it up to the famale body, that I inhabit, maybe going through some menopausal changes, hell I am I was so freaking happy I wanted to have a good-bye party for the stupid periods! I have found myself avoiding the internet lately. Why does any person think that they are any better? Being so outwardly, openly and authentically Butch I already find myself tip-toeing in steel toe boots through the proverbial minefield of society in general. Often I am making this journey as the lone-Butch; having no other Butch persons in my neighborhood, and watching them slowly disappear from my social circles.
There is this security that a Butch feels when in the presense of another like gendered person.
Redefining Butch–Femme Relationships
Most of my interaction with other Butches over the last couple of years has been online, through FB pages and Butch specific websites. I hate to see the Butch pages dwindle down, which they all seem to do after a while, and then sort of fade off into internet oblivion. I guess what I am driving at is that I am just damned lonely for more Butch buddies. Another blogger also seemed to be feeling this way and posted about it today on her blog as well.
Why is is so freaking hard for us to find common ground and stick together a bit harder? Butches, the ones I am familiar with including myself, are generally a tad shy, leary of people even sometimes, and when we do find a good buddy or two to hang with we can be fierce allies and loyal friends — including in the online realm. I know I am weary of fighting it, and explaining how those things are so stupid, and not true or close to a realistic accessment of us. Blurring the gender line is part of just who I am. Most of the organizations I was once involved with have dispersed since last summer, including ButchBoi Life, the social and support group that I co-founded for masculine queer women.
It sounds a bit melodramatic, but the loss of these networks has been really devastating. I feel increasingly isolated from my community and cut off from resources that I once took for granted.
I rarely speak with, let alone hang out with, other butches now, and that makes me very lonely. I completely saw myself and my need for more masculine energy in the form of Butch lesbian friends in my life. I do hope that this writer of BCB. I would love to see more of us all getting together — all types of LGBT people. We need more small town events, local things to connect us on a more regular, and fun, basis. And they need to be the kind that welcome all of us and our individual spirits; our gender presentations, and our desire to just chill out and be friendly.
I tend to envy those in some of the larger southern cities where a good portion of the lesbian community seems to seek homes in, especially later in life. There are some nice groups in the Floridian cities that get together regularly and seem to have a great time.
I wish either we had that here or I could somehow pull it together to try to create it here in some small way. I have always seen Butch as a noun; as the gender that I am, and not some nickname, or anything like that. And I was also saddened not to find Butch or Femme as gender identities, especially when they had some others that I would have questioned far sooner on that list!